We all have a soundtrack that marks the significant events and passages in our lives. Music and memory are intertwined strands of experience knotted to place and time. If I hear a Creedence Clearwater Revival song I am once again my six-year-old self, riding in our wood-paneled red Ford station wagon. My legs are sticking to the vinyl seats, my sister is in tow, and we're heading to tap lessons. In the early Seventies during football season Jonathon Edwards played on the turntable on Sunday mornings at Auntie Karen and Uncle Dave's. The smell of hot coffee and frying bacon punctuated the post game analysis. Fleetwood Mac is the summer of 1977. The songs of Christine McVie, Stevie Nicks & co. will always represent my transition from Cascade Junior High to Bend High School...from adolescence to adulthood.
Music has played a particularly meaningful role in my journey through cancer. Vinyl records, cassette tapes and CD's have taken their rightful place in my past and now I am obsessed with my iPod and creating the perfect mix. The collection of songs I've listened to over the past eight months provide an interesting lens through which to view my progression. When I was diagnosed in July, a mix featuring the songs of Amos Lee offered solace and comfort in a Country/Alt/Folky vibe. When I got further into chemo, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, I created a mix called Cancer Sucks full of sad, mournful, feeling sorry for myself kind of songs. The opening track is If I Die Young by The Band Perry. Music became the way I would deal with the scary feelings that cancer elicit without falling apart. I'd grab my iPod while walking so despite listening to sad songs I'd have Rosie alongside and get a boost of endorphins to boot.
As Spring lightened our yard, our garden and my mood, my music seemed to follow suit. I no longer feel the need to languish in the tunes of the misbegotten. In an odd way beginning radiation has helped. There is music piped into the radiation room and it comes from a local oldies station. Depending on when I get in and how long my treatment is I have time to listen to one or two songs. For the past five-and-a-half weeks I lay down, close my eyes and I'm a teenager again slow dancing in the school gym; it's summer and I'm riding around Bend with my friends in that same station wagon from my youth: our family is gathered in the Warlick's living room and I'm looking through lp's with Tim until we find the perfect song -- then we all jump up and dance; and I'm jumping into the water off the house boat at Lake Trinity, music blaring and kids cheering. Looking back has helped me move forward. My mix de jour is titled Songs I Love and the first track is Carries On from Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes. These days I'm doing just that...Rosie beckons and it's time to head out.
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