Happy Birthday Taylor...Love Mom

April 29...Taylor's birthday. Today my boy turns 24. I was 24 when I had him so for half my life I've been his mom. I've been reflecting on the things I knew before he gave me the name "mom" and the things I've learned in the years since. I guess the first 24 were preparation for the wonder, the love, the heartache, the loss and the tremendous gift that is parenthood. Taylor was a remarkable kid and music was in his bones. As a toddler he'd sit in the shopping cart, arrange the groceries and proceed to drum on them. The checkers all knew him by name and his big blue eyes and blond curls drew many an "Awwwwe" from the ladies. His dad had a drum set and as soon as he was sitting up and could hold the sticks he was playing. And he was good. His hands never stopped tapping and his love of music never stopped growing. He had so many wonderful impromptu moments where he would burst into song, the most memorable being at the mall during Christmas 1991. He started singing Jingle Bells near a holiday display and eventually had a sizable audience. I ran into a woman about six months later who recognized Taylor and remembered his earnest yet exuberant performance. If he were a kid today I'm sure he would be a YouTube hit :-) As he got older his knowledge of music trivia became legendary. The odd and obscure his domain. He's also funny, kind, generous, polite and a bit of a procrastinator. With every step, every lesson learned, every success, he was one step closer to walking out the door and claiming his independence. Taylor is 24. In the parlance of the day, he is more or less launched. He graduated from college; he's living in San Francisco; he has a few internships lined up and is looking forward...moving on. But there are so many things left for him to experience. I hope every day I get the privilege to brag about the next 24. Happy Birthday Taylor. I love you.

One and Done...

Yesterday was my last radiation treatment. Yay!! Liz drove me and it was rather festive in spite of all the, well, radiation. I brought cookies for everyone as it's a high energy job and they need every chocolate chip they can get their hands on. And in turn I got a diploma! Had I known I would have fashioned a mortarboard out of a cereal box and brought my tassel. Now that would have been a hoot to be sure. I got a clean bill send-off from Dr. Gemmell and will see her again in four months so she can check on the nature of my skin and how it's healing.


Then it was off to Daisy Ducks, a quick errand and the other Cancer Center for a dose of Herceptin.

Still celebrating, Heidi joined us for cookies and sparkling cider. A couple hours later I was done for another three weeks. In the meantime I will be going back to Dr. Movassaghi (plastics...the surgical variety, not like The Graduate) to get re-expanded. I get to revisit my Pamela Anderson days. Yay! When I see him in two weeks I'll have to wear the shirt my sister gave me. It says "Girl Power" with a picture of Wonder Woman on the front. Woo, it's perfect as Wonder Woman and I will share the same bullet bra physique! There is nothing reminiscent of the soft female form when it comes to the expanders. They are hard as a rock, or bullets as the case may be. When the time comes I'll be in the frame of mind to embrace my rock-hard chest as it's one step closer to the end of the race. A while back I likened this journey toward health as a marathon and I'm guessing I'm at about mile 18. I've done most of the hard stuff, climbed the hills and achieved my endorphin high. Now it's time to just keep on keeping on until I sail through the end...with all of you at the finish line cheering me on. Thank you! I couldn't do it without you!

Music: The Gift That Carries On

We all have a soundtrack that marks the significant events and passages in our lives. Music and memory are intertwined strands of experience knotted to place and time. If I hear a Creedence Clearwater Revival song I am once again my six-year-old self, riding in our wood-paneled red Ford station wagon. My legs are sticking to the vinyl seats, my sister is in tow, and we're heading to tap lessons. In the early Seventies during football season Jonathon Edwards played on the turntable on Sunday mornings at Auntie Karen and Uncle Dave's. The smell of hot coffee and frying bacon punctuated the post game analysis. Fleetwood Mac is the summer of 1977. The songs of Christine McVie, Stevie Nicks & co. will always represent my transition from Cascade Junior High to Bend High School...from adolescence to adulthood.

Music has played a particularly meaningful role in my journey through cancer. Vinyl records, cassette tapes and CD's have taken their rightful place in my past and now I am obsessed with my iPod and creating the perfect mix. The collection of songs I've listened to over the past eight months provide an interesting lens through which to view my progression. When I was diagnosed in July, a mix featuring the songs of Amos Lee offered solace and comfort in a Country/Alt/Folky vibe. When I got further into chemo, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, I created a mix called Cancer Sucks full of sad, mournful, feeling sorry for myself kind of songs. The opening track is If I Die Young by The Band Perry. Music became the way I would deal with the scary feelings that cancer elicit without falling apart. I'd grab my iPod while walking so despite listening to sad songs I'd have Rosie alongside and get a boost of endorphins to boot.

As Spring lightened our yard, our garden and my mood, my music seemed to follow suit. I no longer feel the need to languish in the tunes of the misbegotten. In an odd way beginning radiation has helped. There is music piped into the radiation room and it comes from a local oldies station. Depending on when I get in and how long my treatment is I have time to listen to one or two songs. For the past five-and-a-half weeks I lay down, close my eyes and I'm a teenager again slow dancing in the school gym; it's summer and I'm riding around Bend with my friends in that same station wagon from my youth: our family is gathered in the Warlick's living room and I'm looking through lp's with Tim until we find the perfect song -- then we all jump up and dance; and I'm jumping into the water off the house boat at Lake Trinity, music blaring and kids cheering. Looking back has helped me move forward. My mix de jour is titled Songs I Love and the first track is Carries On from Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes. These days I'm doing just that...Rosie beckons and it's time to head out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Px1Aw8C3irs

More Radiation Pics...

My view from the table. I love this dog...trying to decide what to name him. Send me any ideas.





Jeff, Renee and Richie have gotten to know my camera. I'm getting some great shots as I go through treatment...some are fun and some just are. When I started treatment it seemed a tad scary and now it's just part of my daily routine...largely due to the fabulous care I get from my techs and doctors. They do a great job making my moments on the table go by quickly with lots of care and humor. And I don't know how they do it but they answer all my questions thoroughly in a snap. The patients are like planes in a holding pattern, each one ready to take off after the other and the techs are both pilot and air traffic controller. Things move fast so they have to be on their toes. But as you can see from the pictures we do laugh and have some fun while seeing to the very serious business of curing cancer. Day 23 down...time for chocolate.

Love My Ducks...

I Love My Ducks...


Tuesday is Daisy Ducks and the last few weeks have been a lot of fun. We've heard from Women's Tennis, Miss Oregon (she's a member of the Women's Volleyball team), and Men's and Women's Golf. Here are a few pictures of yours truly with our guests....

Lunch with a Princess! Alaina Bergsma is a member of the

Women's Volleyball team and will represent Oregon at the
Miss Universe Pageant. She'll get to meet The Donald...and
I'm not talking about the Duck :-)

Above: Jr.Patricia Skowronski with Women's Tennis Coach Paul Reber.

At left: With Freshman Phenom Cali Hipp and Assistant Coach Justin Fetcher. Cali's been playing for years and has a hole in one under her belt!

With Casey Martin...Former Professional Golfer, Men's Golf Coach and all around nice guy. And for you locals...he's also a graduate of South Eugene High School.

In Search of Peace...

Today was Bolus Day. Every other day my radiation techs put a large square of fake skin on my chest to assure that my last three doses are delivered at a different depth than the day before. First Renee and Jeff scootch my torso so that my tattoos line up with the lasers coming out of the ceiling, then the machine whirrs overhead and I get my first dose of radiation. Some days I count and it usually lasts about 30 to 35 seconds. This treats my chest wall and the nodes above my clavicle. Then they place a 1cm thick piece of malleable plastic over the radiation field and use tape to adhere it to me and to the table. The machine moves about 90* to my right side for my first angled dose. For about 15 seconds the radiation travels over my right breast and into my left, exiting through my side, skimming the lymph nodes under my arm. Then the machine moves 180* over me until it settles on the opposite side. I get two doses from the left. The first lasts about ten seconds and the second is about 30. In addition to the bolus, my techs insert an angled metal plate into the machine for the last dose that accounts for the curvature of my body.
Dr. Gemmel used the initial CT scan to determine the curvature to exacting standards. Bolus Day is a little tougher on my skin as the radiation hits closer to my epidermis, but that is to ensure that some radical cancer cell doesn't present itself as a skin lesion in the future.

Today was my 22nd treatment, six more to go. As I near the end of this last big hurdle I am starting to address some of the emotional issues that arise with a cancer diagnosis and treatment. I've joined a support group for young women and will attend for the first time tomorrow evening. It was started by a young woman named Katie Burke who was diagnosed with breast cancer at 23. Unable to find a group that addressed the needs of younger women she started one herself with the help of the wife of a local oncologist. While I'm not in my twenties, I'm still considered young by my doctor's standards...by a few years anyway. Ha! I guess I'll take that. I look forward to meeting women who are traveling this road and finding their way towards some sense of peace. At least that's how I envision this process...I've had to make peace with the fact that my body betrayed me and, despite everything I'm doing, could do so again. But part of making peace is letting go and finding happiness and joy in the small, everyday moments that make up our lives. Granted doing the laundry and cleaning the toilets are not the high point of my day, but they are no longer the low point either. Perspective is a gift and I hope I have it for a while yet...it's raining like a son of a gun but I'm happy as can be! Good night all...day 23 tomorrow and counting!