Looking Forward...

Spring has arrived. There's something glorious about springtime in the Willamette Valley. The smell of the daphne and wet grass; the deep blue sky punctuated by large white gray clouds and vibrant rainbows; the budding trees and plants that offer a promise of something grand. Usually Spring and rain go hand in hand but we were thrown a curve ball this year. We welcomed the season of birth and beginnings with a fresh coat of wintery white. Ten inches of snow...I guess if our kids get a snow day they might as well get their money's worth.

It's hard to imagine that another season has come and gone and I'm still plugging away. It was seven months ago today that I called my mom and gave her the news that shook her to the core. I went from being a normal healthy girl one day to being the healthiest sick person I knew the next. It's stunning how quickly things can change. From the moment I received my diagnosis I felt like I was in a tunnel. I could only move forward, contemplating one moment, one day, one treatment at a time. I was in fighter mode and my attention was focused and undeterred . I quickly learned what I could about chemotherapy then stopped reading and got on with the business of getting better. Similarly, before my surgery I researched the procedure, looked at pictures on the internet, freaked out a bit then swallowed hard and inched forward through the tunnel. I'm eleven days into my radiation regimen and while I still feel like I'm in the tunnel, the lanes are wider and there are some windows letting the outside world in. I'm beginning to plan for the future, to think ahead and imagine my life after my treatments.

When I met with my radiation oncologist yesterday I confessed that in looking forward I have become obsessed with reading clinical trials, journal articles and studies to glean any likelihood that I may relapse. Her response was both brilliant and comforting. She said that my chance of relapse is either 100% or 0% and the rest is like predicting the weather. Between my treatments, my vitamins and all the broccoli I eat I'm doing everything I can and trying to figure out which column of patients I fit in will only make me crazy. So I surrender to living my life, enjoying every moment and looking forward...