As Good as it Gets!

Good News! I got the news regarding my pathology report and my surgeon, Dr. Schauer, was able to get all the cancer. There was 5mm of residual tumor after chemo and he got it all with good margins. And as you know my nodes are negative so this is as good as it gets! Today I felt strong enough to take a few trips around the house and I finally got out of my pajamas and into sweats. Baby steps! I'm getting comfortable sans hat or scarf and enjoy watching the slow growth of my hair. And tomorrow my mom and I plan to go to the mall to run a few errands and get out of the house. I'm beginning to feel a little housebound :) And if there's a break in the weather we might even take Rosie for a spin around the block.

All this down time has provided the opportunity for introspection. I knew my life would never be the same after July 22nd, the day I received my diagnosis. I think of the things we did earlier that month, namely spend time in the garden, visit my parents in Bend and attend my 30th high school reunion. Cancer seemed inconceivable. As it was summer, our days were long and luxurious and my time felt deliciously carefree. That was before. The time involved in treating cancer makes carefree rather hard to come by. But throughout treatment I discovered many tremendous gifts in the midst of some difficult and scary moments. I've found that asking friends for their help and support has only strengthened our bond; I discovered that while I'm stronger than I ever imagined, it's okay to let someone else carry the load now and then; and I've been reminded that time with family and friends is the one thing you'll never regret later in life.

In a similar way I have a great sense of before and after regarding my surgery, but the after is what really resonates. I'm beginning to get accustomed to my new body and it will likely change a great deal between now and my final surgery. The strangest thing is that I can't remember what I felt like before. And if I didn't have pictures I would have a hard time remembering what I looked like. As I breathe in and out my tight swollen chest reveals the misshapen expanders that will soon be replaced by implants. I am crooked, dented, scarred and sore but this after is beginning to feel normal. How is that? I can't explain it but I am grateful for it. If all I did was yearn for what was then I wouldn't be open to the grace and beauty that lay before me. Life is full of lessons to be learned and I'm sure that there will be a few more in the coming months.

So as I say Good Night I thank you all for your support and your love as I take another step on this strange and magical journey. I love you all...