The Last One

The last one. When I started treatment in August 2011 I was at once a bundle of nerves and in a zen like state of calm. After all my research and preparation I didn't know how the chemotherapy and Herceptin would effect me but I knew I was in good hands and could get through most anything as long it didn't last forever. Now that I've had my final Herceptin infusion (today!) I am experiencing many of the same feelings: thrilled at the idea of being done and a bit nervous about what being done really means. 

A week or two after my last expander fill in early March I was sure there was something wrong. My left breast (the cancerous radiated side) felt exceedingly tight and seemed to sit about an inch higher than the other. A painful burning sensation radiating from the middle of my chest to the the middle of my back only exacerbated my angst. Dr. Movassaghi gave me a thorough exam, making sure my skin was healing (it was) and compared my current appearance to pictures taken earlier. I was tight and lopsided as a result of the radiation and the burning was (and continues to be) the sensation of healing. Once he was assured nothing was wrong he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Unless something comes up I'll see you in six months. Enjoy your life!"

It seems pretty simple but I can't tell you how much those words resonated over the days and weeks that followed. It was like I was waiting for permission and getting it felt like a gift. Now it's my my mantra. I wake up in the morning wondering how I will enjoy the day. The pleasures may be simple but they are substantial nonetheless.

It can be easy, almost intoxicating to get lost in the cancer vortex, held hostage by every pain or twinge. I'm better now. I'll have to ask my oncologist if I'm cancer free or in remission...do those terms mean the same thing? I try to be mindful every day about putting my physical aches and pains in perspective and concentrating on what it means to enjoy my life. For the time being, I'm focusing on being present. Saying yes to the things that matter. When I walk through our neighborhood, spend time with family and friends, tend to our garden, I'm often filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the gift of the moment...every one of them. And I don't want to waste a single second.

Over the last month or two I've been dipping my toe into the water preparing for my jump into the deep end. It began with a quick getaway to Bend  to visit Grandma Dot followed by our trip to New York. Getting out of town was liberating. We got to see Grandma Dot before she passed away...a real gift...and we ate and walked our way through the streets of New York. The Book of Mormon on Broadway was a hoot and a visit and tour of the Tenement Museum on the Lower East Side was fascinating. Soldiers and Sailors on leave were everywhere as it was Fleet Week and a trip to the Ground Zero Memorial in the shadow of the looming Freedom Tower on Memorial Day was particularly moving. I enjoyed every moment.

Grandma Dot...Love you and miss you dearly.

9-11 Memorial outside the Midtown Fire Station. 

Marines in Times Square. 

Washington Park. In the background the park is full of families taking prom pictures. Sweet.

Fleet Week. Looked for Sargent Gibbs but these guys were nice enough to stand in :)

The Reflecting Pool at the site of the North Tower. With the names lining the side it's a powerful monument to those who lost their lives. 

Protect and Serve

At the Memorial. 

At the Memorial - they were kind enough to (sort of) stand at attention :)

The Freedom Tower is spectacular...the shortish building  in the foreground  will be the museum. 

A perfect view from the Staten Island Ferry. 

On the ferry with the skyline in the fog.

The hustle and bustle. 

Celebrating with the girls. The Last One!

The last one. Ending treatment feels a bit like stepping off a cliff but I'm quite happy to jump into the abyss and reclaim my life. Bruce has a bottle of Dom chilling for tonight. L'Chaim!