Of Words and Friends and Gratitude...

Two Weeks Today! I'm feeling like a new woman as my energy is increasing every day and I'm getting accustomed to my new and changing body. I had another marathon day with the medical establishment yesterday with nothing but good news! First on the docket was my plastic surgeon Dr. Movassaghi. After getting my drains out I got my first fill. Sitting in an exam room where well placed pamphlets with beautiful unlined faces gazed approvingly, I laid back and got 30 cc's of saline injected into the expanders inside my breasts. Another one of those wild, out-of-body experiences that are part of this strange and mysterious adventure. After the surgery I cannot feel my breasts or under my arms...numbness that will likely continue for the remainder of my life. But the numbness is limited to my skin so while I watched the needle pierce my skin I couldn't feel it. And as the needle made it's way to my muscle tissue, I winced before my mind began to wander to those people smiling from the corner shelves. Did they enjoy getting their botox, their laser treatments and their eyelid tucks? Maybe when this is all done I'll have something done...just for fun. While I was anxious (I assured the Dr. that no, I wasn't needle phobic, I just don't like pain!) I was happy to be moving forward with this process and thrilled to learn that I was healing nicely.

Once my fill was complete and my drain incisions were bandaged, we gathered up our rain gear and made our way to the Willamette Valley Cancer Institute. After a quick stop in the infusion room for labs we met with my oncologist Dr. Kovach where good news turned great. He interpreted my pathology report and was exceedingly pleased with the findings. In essence the lack of cancer cells in my lymph nodes and no remaining invasive cancer cells suggested that the chemotherapy was successful. My continued herception infusions along with radiation and the Tamoxifen I'll begin taking tonight will give me the best possible outcome. Happy Dance!!

With big smiles and a kick in my step my mom and I headed back to the infusion room for my dose of herception. Compared to chemo this is a walk in the park. We spent much of the time chatting about the good news, catching up with the nurses and laughing about our latest obsession...Words with Friends.

The word that I keep coming back to as I meander through my days is Gratitude. Everyday I learn a little something about the nature of gratitude and what it really means to be grateful. As I ponder the idea today I would have to say that I am most grateful for the intimacy that cancer has afforded me. Making time and relationships and words matter...that is what makes me sing today.

As Good as it Gets!

Good News! I got the news regarding my pathology report and my surgeon, Dr. Schauer, was able to get all the cancer. There was 5mm of residual tumor after chemo and he got it all with good margins. And as you know my nodes are negative so this is as good as it gets! Today I felt strong enough to take a few trips around the house and I finally got out of my pajamas and into sweats. Baby steps! I'm getting comfortable sans hat or scarf and enjoy watching the slow growth of my hair. And tomorrow my mom and I plan to go to the mall to run a few errands and get out of the house. I'm beginning to feel a little housebound :) And if there's a break in the weather we might even take Rosie for a spin around the block.

All this down time has provided the opportunity for introspection. I knew my life would never be the same after July 22nd, the day I received my diagnosis. I think of the things we did earlier that month, namely spend time in the garden, visit my parents in Bend and attend my 30th high school reunion. Cancer seemed inconceivable. As it was summer, our days were long and luxurious and my time felt deliciously carefree. That was before. The time involved in treating cancer makes carefree rather hard to come by. But throughout treatment I discovered many tremendous gifts in the midst of some difficult and scary moments. I've found that asking friends for their help and support has only strengthened our bond; I discovered that while I'm stronger than I ever imagined, it's okay to let someone else carry the load now and then; and I've been reminded that time with family and friends is the one thing you'll never regret later in life.

In a similar way I have a great sense of before and after regarding my surgery, but the after is what really resonates. I'm beginning to get accustomed to my new body and it will likely change a great deal between now and my final surgery. The strangest thing is that I can't remember what I felt like before. And if I didn't have pictures I would have a hard time remembering what I looked like. As I breathe in and out my tight swollen chest reveals the misshapen expanders that will soon be replaced by implants. I am crooked, dented, scarred and sore but this after is beginning to feel normal. How is that? I can't explain it but I am grateful for it. If all I did was yearn for what was then I wouldn't be open to the grace and beauty that lay before me. Life is full of lessons to be learned and I'm sure that there will be a few more in the coming months.

So as I say Good Night I thank you all for your support and your love as I take another step on this strange and magical journey. I love you all...

Update from Liz on Wednesday evening

6:30pm Wed.
Just heard from Marcia. Tracy is in too much pain and needs to be more ambulatory so will need to spend the night at Riverbend. This was her plan originally. It'll be good for her to have pain management via IV.
----
9:00pm Wed.
I just got a call from Tracy herself! She sounds good and medicated (thank goodness!).

They have gotten her pain under control and she has been able to walk a bit. She is now on oral pain meds so should be able to go home tomorrow. She has a plastic surg appt @ 1 and hopes to be discharged from the hospital and go straight to that appt before going home.

Bruce, Marcia and Gary are going home for some well earned sleep after a very long day.

Tracy thanks you all for your good wishes and emails. She feels your love.

More to follow tomorrow...

Liz

Tracy's Surgery

Tracy has jumped the second hurdle, her double mastectomy has happened and all of her nodes are benign! She is in recovery now and will be discharged home this evening. She will be under the loving care of Bruce and her parents, much warmer and fuzzier than at Riverbend.

I'll send an email and update the blog again when I have more info.....

Thinking Pink...

Tomorrow's the big day! I am so appreciative for all the texts, phone calls, e-mails and good wishes. I am so grateful to you all and I will take all your strength and good will with me tomorrow.

Here's to Happily Ever After and a Healthy New Year...

Much Love,
Tracy Lynn

Post surgery help for Tracy

Dear Friends of Tracy,

Tomorrow, Jan. 11, is Tracy's day of surgery. Her Eugene friends are trying to help out by arranging meals to be delivered to her house. We are hoping to provide her meals every other day of the week.

How can you help?

1) If you want to sign up to bring a meal over to Tracy and Bruce's home, please contact Amy Steckel. (amyjsteckel@gmail.com) Amy is handling the google calendar, which is posted on Tracy's blog. Please don't feel that you must cook a gourmet meal. Your help will be very much appreciated if you just pick up a meal from a local restaurant, or even something as simple as bring a roasted chicken from the grocery with a bag of lettuce.

2) You can buy certificates at: http://ponyexpressdelivery.com/
This is a restaurant delivery service which brings food from over 40 different restaurants.

3) There is a home cooked meal delivery company, featuring vegetarian foods called Ivy's Cookin':
http://www.ivyscookin.com/index.php
You could purchase a gift certificate from there, or actually order a meal for delivery.

4) Another home cooked meal delivery company is Blackburn and Company:
www.blackburnandcompany.com
They were written up in our local paper:
http://special.registerguard.com/web/livingfood/26040459-41/cookie-question-dinners-mixes-blackburn.html.csp
They deliver home style cooking frozen entrees.

Any meal that you plan on providing, whether from a restaurant, homemade or from a delivery service, please notify Amy Steckel, so if can be entered on the google calendar. If you are buying a gift certificate, you do not need to let Amy know.

Tracy is expected to be home from surgery on Thursday. Her mom is staying with her. Liz Garfinkel will send e-mail updates to everyone on this list after surgery. Please also try to check in on the blog for the latest news.

There are no restrictions on the food. Meat, dairy, spicy, wheat--anything goes.

Their home address is:
105 W. 23rd Eugene, OR 97405
541.686.0840

Thank you, everyone, for your support. Together, we can help to keep Tracy strong!

A Glimpse of Before...Before the After

One week and counting till my surgery day. I took a big step outside my comfort zone and had some pictures taken by a photographer I know who has taken photographs of women before having a mastectomy. I've been documenting my experience thus far and wanted a professional to capture the emotional journey I am embarking on. And I wanted a memento, a record of what I was, before...

It was a truly liberating experience and I am grateful to my sister who mentioned it shortly after my diagnosis. I got the chance to don my pink wig, act silly, laugh, express my deep sadness and the overwhelming love I have for my family and friends. Many of the pictures are just for me but I will share some once I get them back in the next few weeks.

I'll be seeing the anesthesiologist early tomorrow so goodnight for now...sweet dreams.

The Days of Whine and Roses

Okay folks...the whining and kvetching can stop. The Ducks have won the Rose Bowl! The last year our young men brought home the trophy they wore leather helmets and WWI was going strong. Needless to say it's been a while.

And boy oh boy they made it a game. As Matt Brock (former Defensive Lineman for the Ducks) said on Comcast's Talkin' Ducks, "It was meat against speed and speed won." Funny how he kept referring to the Badger linemen as "The Meats." If the title fits... :)

Had a lovely Happy New Year/Go Ducks lunch with the girls. Went to Wild Duck (of course!) and had a chance to catch up and swap holiday/New Year stories. At this point, if anyone is able to stay awake past midnight, that's a highlight!


For New Year's Eve, Bruce and I watched Midnight in Paris (swoon) and sipped a lovely pink champagne. We toasted to beginnings, to hope and to the belief that 2012 will be a good year. And the movie reminded me how much I want to get back to Paris. That city holds a place in my heart like no other. There really is something magical about it. So I guess we'll just have to go!!


As I write I'm at the Cancer Center, looking over the valley and hills while my Herceptin is working it's way through my system. It's a beautiful day and filled with a sense of hope and optimism. Today is a really good day!